The mynameisponcho show

Why so serious?

2012-01-29T12:22:00.000Z

After spending years deleting people from facebook, cutting people off, and generally isolating myself in my own extreme pure philosophy, and not finding happinness, I have now decided to try and find some fun in my life.

I never wanted this life, and this fooking book has become a stone around my neck, slowly pulling me under...

I never thought I was a depressive kind, but it seems I have become that person! Yet another middle aged crisis!

Fear not poncho lovers, for I will not be defeated!

:)

You are now dead to me

2010-05-09T14:36:00.005+01:00

Well, today I decided to turn off (cos I can't delete) my facebook accounts - the random blah that was appearing in my "news feed" wasn't exactly "news" in my world and I noticed I would randomly just be going through "friends of friends" photos for something to look at.. Sort of like breaking into your mate's friend's house in the middle of the night and looking through their photo albums (but without them seeing you!)

So, I am going back to old fashioned blogging, and I'll now be twotting my tweets so that should be fun..

I am a bit concerned that I may write something inappropriate here, as my army of fans of the book may think I am not holier than thou, which I am of course..

I am now to be referred to as your Hollyness as I have the tendency to be sharp, (or was that a prick)... Anyway, jeez I'm rambling on here, and haven't said anything in the least bit funny, I must get out of facebook mode!

Two minutes ago "I had a drink of tea"
One minute ago "I relieved myself after drinking said tea" etc etc

The blog lives again.

2010-04-05T15:20:00.002+01:00

So, after trying to fit everything I wanted to write about into facebook status I have returned to the home of good writing, blogger. You don't have to read what I write about, and I don't care if you like it or not.

But anyway if you are reading this, welcome back, it's been a while hasn't it? You've missed me, haven't you?

So I shall endevaour to dazzle you with my huma once more...

Watch THIS space...

And thanks for stopping by san diego...

2009-01-17T08:57:00.000Z

Some people really do forget what they wrote in the previous paragraph....

2009-01-12T08:32:00.000Z

Now I don't think I am going mad or anything, but as I was walking past a neighbours house last night, I happened to look up at their flat roof.
Upon seeing a cat there I made some kind of sound to attract its attention. It was only as I walked further past that I noticed that it was not a cat, but the shadow from a satellite dish! Am I going mad? Most probably.

2009-01-10T09:45:00.000Z

Whilst scouring the facebook today, searching for people from my old school I happened to come across this chap. Now, as someone who has achieved enlightenment you may think it beneath me to draw attention to something so utterly trivial, but I can't help myself. Not only is shamus an irish name, and this man is obviously from the colonies, but his surname is butt! Butt (gettit?) haha I lolled myself right out of bed when I saw this. LOL LOL LOL

On another more serious note, I also found this group on the faysebuke. It seems australians do think deeply at times, if only about things which inhibit their drinking.

If all you've got to think about is people taking away your ability to get absolutely blasted every night, you probably have a pretty sad life.

I quote "Lockouts will have no tangible benefits, will have a devastating effect on the diversity of Melbourne’s nightlife, and will infringe on the public’s civil rights"

Dumb australians. Dumb humans. Nuff said.

Regaining my sense of humour!

2009-01-07T12:19:00.000Z

Hello folks. Well it seems as though I have been not quite myself recently (about 2 years ago apparently according to some sources) but I'm here to tell you that I am back - hopefully.
You see, I stopped my blog over a year ago because I thought that if people read my blog they may think that I was a bit of a nut, when I was trying to come across as a "serious" person aiming to change the world. But having read my book's proofs for the last time, I realise that I shouldn't be worrying about what people say about my blog, I should be worried what people will say about my book! If I think I will offend people with a few cheap jokes on the web, then wait till they read my views on religion, god, government, taxes, etc etc etc!

So I have decided to stop being so damn serious, after all, life's supposed to be a joyful affair, no? Just because you care about what other people are doing to themselves and each other doesn't mean you can't have a laugh! I realised that I was systematically ruining my whole life and was turning into an obsessive!

It also seems as though I am now attracting all the "serious" wierdo nuts into my life through my website - people I wouldn't ordinarily give one minute to. People who are now my best email buddies in the universe!

Yeah right! Well, as long as they start donating huge sums of cash towards my new yacht and bentley, then I will be anyone's friend.

So if you're troubled, afflicted, have psychological problems, are homeless, poor, or just plain ugly that is your fault, you should have bought the book.

(as told to Alan M Orr via the universal channel of the ponchoman. Alan M Orr accepts no responsibility for the content here. He is merely a "conduit" as the universal consciousness known as the ponchoman has no access to a pen)

this blog is dead long live this blog

2008-02-27T02:31:00.002Z

well folks, i have just finished my book, its been a long road but well worth it. I am currently in Australia getting divorced, and getting a couple of friends to proof read my book. There are many challenges ahead, and i somewhat feel that this blog represents the past, not the present. so off it will go into merry cyber space never to be updated again, but don't worry you haven't heard the last of me. no sir.!!

take care out there and in the words of grandmaster flash

"its like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how i keep from going under........"

Just before you eat the turkey

2007-12-08T00:12:00.000Z

Now I am a reformed meat eater, which makes me a real pain in the ass to all my friends and family, and in fact anyone I go to dinner with.

I don't eat meat, dairy, eggs, honey. You name it, I don't eat it.

Whilst I cannot be bothered explaining why, cos I am very bad at explaining, please take the time to watch or download this movie.

If you could only see the suffering you would understand. Still most of you don't give a shit. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but then how will you become aware of reality when no one brings things to your attention?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1282796533661048967

Albook - Status Update

2007-12-07T23:01:00.001Z

5 Minutes ago - Opened a bottle of peroni
4 minutes ago - finished said bottle
3 minutes ago - burped
just a moment ago - took a piss

Its official...

2007-12-07T22:50:00.000Z

Yes Sir, I think I'm an addict

No, not to crack, to ebay!

I just can't stop buying stuff!!

I don't care if its worth less than I'm bidding! As long as I win thats all that matters!

Status Update

2007-12-06T11:14:00.001Z

Seeing as I have left facebook and I do not have status update facility here, I will have to do it manually.

Five minutes ago I had a crap
3 minutes ago I had a sandwich
1 minute ago, I poured a cup of tea
Just a moment ago, I started typing

Please check back regularly for more riveting status updates.

Useless Information

2007-12-06T11:08:00.000Z

Having spent a good part of my working life in da technology bizness I have always been a fan of keeping the customers up to date especially via the web, but when I logged in to see what was happening to my parcel I had to just shake my head...

Goodbye Facebook

2007-12-06T10:53:00.000Z

Boo Hoo I'm all sad. I just "deactivated" my facebook account.

Actually I'm glad. One less thing to keep checking in life!

Social Networking? Bollocks. More like a competition to see how many "friends" you can accumulate. Yet another waste of mans precious life on this planet spent pissing about on useless stuff.

Facebook should join the realms of Xboxes, Mobiles (got rid of mine last month) and all other gadgets invented to stop us having to actually Think. Bah! Humbug! And don't get me started on the dubious christian religious festival of loadsofpresentsmas

But I'm not giving up my laptop. Yet.

have a nice day facebookers, I'm off for a walk in the countryside.
Actually thats a lie, but what the hell.

What a surprise!

2007-12-06T00:16:00.000Z

It always amazes me that Americans are amazed when gun totin nutters go on the rampage.

Let me put it this way. If you let people make guns and you make the right to "bear arms" a constitutional right, and you finish with a sprinkling of dumb angry humans what do you get?

Madness. Pure Madness

So, America Try and understand one thing. If you make it. They'll use it. So. Sorry for stating the obvious, but errr close the gun factories.

duhhhh.

soon my friends very soon

2007-12-03T23:22:00.000Z

12 days to go and i can't wait!

Its started snowing up in bjurholm (sweden) where I am going to be spending the winter cross country skiing, snowboarding and snow kiting Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I love the snow

Its very white (and sometimes yellow)

But I was somwhat surprised by this photo on their tourist website for a moose farm!

Bring on the Snowwwwwwwwwwwwww

Looking Back....

2007-11-20T23:04:00.000Z

If there's one thing I don't recommend and that's re-reading your own blog.. Seriously. I just looked back to last years posts and I tell you what it made for one hell of a depressing read! Man was I a miserable bastard. All I was doing was complaining and generally feeling sorry for myself.

But not anymore. I have noticed that I don't have the hang ups from last year. I think clearly. I act with integrity. God I've become as boring as the rest of them!

Its no wonder the best stuff is written by people with problems. People who have solved all their problems just aren't interesting. Now I'm really depressed.

Relief!

2007-11-20T22:47:00.001Z

Today. We handed in our resignations to the college.

The nightmare job is finally over

well in 3 weeks anyway.

Then some well deserved snow relaxation in Sweden till the snow melts.

anna and I are somewhat relieved......

Don't you just hate it when......

2007-11-07T22:49:00.000Z

You discover a TV series that you'd previously never heard about, manage to find someone whos uploaded the first episode. Get hooked. Scrabble about looking for the 2nd episode. Find it. Put up with the fact that its subtitled in spanish. Discover they have uploaded loads more episdodes. Enjoy them immensely.

Only to discover that not only had they not uploaded the last 2 episodes of the season, but nor had anyone else on the entire web.

Well thats just happened to me with a series called carnivale, a sort of good vs evil story set in a travelling carninval in the mid west USA in the 1930's. Brilliant stuff. Butt.......

Not being able to see the last few episodes.Disgusting.

People are so selfish. If they are going to upload videos why not upload the whole series!!

I might even have to go back to paying for my videos...!! Well maybe!

Our local pub is banging!

2007-11-05T17:15:00.000Z

Actually thats not quite true!

Its situated in Bobbington where we live and is one of the quietest villages and pubs i've ever lived in.

So whilst checking their web site to find out what time the fireworks are tonight I was surprised with the addition of some bangin music.

It just shows you what some idiot web designers are reccommending to their customers.....

This one's good A) For Information

This ones better B) Drink

Enjoy the club!

Kfm vs The Wasps

2007-11-04T19:42:00.000Z

Before you ask.. No its not a rugby or football match!

KFM stands for Keysi Fighting Method. An extremely nasty street fighting system that anna and I have just taken up.

Wasps are extremely nasty yellow things that sting

With me so far?

vs

Don't worry I'll get to the point! So anyway this evening Anna and I decided to do a bit of Keysi practice in the garage. I grabbed the gloves and started to do some practice punches on the bag. After a couple of hits, I thought, whats that pain in my thumb? I thought I must have hurt myself on the bag. Anna said (a little bit too knowingly for my liking) maybe there's a wasp in your glove! I shook it and out popped this nasty little wasp, which had only gone and stung me 10 seconds earlier. I ran screaming into the kitchen, grabbed what I thought was vinegar and it turned out to be extra virgin olive oil! It still hurts 4 hrs later!

This my friends is Irony at its finest. I pay £60 per hour to train with one of the best black belts in the country, and I get taken down by one of the smallest flying insects.

As it scrabbled around on the floor I contemplated taking it out using a flying kick or headbutt on it, but I had it to hand it to the little sucker. It had me fair and square. I let it live to fight another day.

Ain't I the merciful One

Happy Halloween ya Freaks

2007-10-31T22:23:00.000Z

Hey everybody, its halloween here where the only scary thing is the price of the coffee at the bonfire and firework show. Tonight I took 2 of my students to the show, little did I know that one doesn't like loud bangs and the other is scared of the dark which made for a tense couple of hours!

Still, I think they had a good time!! Well one had burger and chips and the other had candy floss. It is worth remembering that they are both heavily overweight and had just enjoyed a lovely vegan lasagne with quinoa cakes chez moi! Ungrateful little buggers! you can't win can you!

Oh one more thing.... We were talking at dinner about april fools day when one student said in all seriousness....

"I played an april fools joke on my mum one year"
I said "Oh really what?"
She said " I told her that I loved her, then I said ha ha april fool!!!!"

What a little treasure .....

Worlds greatest popster goes one better

2007-10-29T21:15:00.000Z

Not content with topping the charts with such hits such as billie jean, bad, don't stop till you get enough and rock with you, amongst others, it seems the king of pop has decided to branch out into literature. It seems he has been up to his old tricks with his old cosmetic surgeons again going by the new beard (and nose) he's sporting.
and he said he never drank alcohol. Tsk Tsk Michael how many more lies must we suffer. I don't know about you guys but i'm starting to think that he wasn't telling the whole truth about those young boys who just "slept over" at the neverland ranch.......

Poor things....

2007-10-17T15:44:00.001+01:00

Found this on the BBC website today..

Ok! So who's fault is it fatty?
Its time people stop blaming everyone else and start taking some personal responsibility for their actions!

Wake up!

Little Darlings.....

2007-10-17T15:34:00.000+01:00

I just thought I'd show you some of the work one of the students has been doing.. They've made such progress over the last 2 months. These are some words she came up with on the scrabble board which I thought was worth sharing with you.

She was quite angry with us last night and we didn't discover this till this morning!

Uh Oh up to no good again....

2007-10-14T22:36:00.000+01:00

registered a new domain tonight....
oh and discovered i can post video here....hooray, no YouCrap.com for me even though they're all owned by the same company. Moofle.com.
Hey thats a good word, moofle. maybe i should register it. Damn someone has already registered it. But i looked up the word in the urban dictionary and this was the example given

moofle. A word to be used when you are politely annoyed and can't think of the right word to say, thus confusing other people and giving you time to think.

Berty: Ah, but you can't give Mr. Richards your coursework if you have a detention with our head. If you want I can give it to him?
Ted: No! I need to get my mobile back from him before the end of term! This is the only chance!
Berty: But if you miss this detention you will be kept in for another day to fulfill it.
Ted: ....Moofle!
Berty: ...What the fuck?

Seems kind of appropriate given the new website i am creating... can you guess what it is kids?

Lets make Pumpkins together

2007-10-14T21:42:00.000+01:00

Tonight for the first time in my life we made "scary" pumpkins with the students. 2 of them aren't so scary. Can you guess which two, children?

Day out at the theme park

2007-10-14T21:35:00.000+01:00

Last week Anna and I decided to take 2 of our students to Alton towers, one of the UK's best theme parks... This video is proof that theme parks are fun for all, and are definately an imortant therapeutic aid.

Its all true...I tell you no lies

2007-10-01T21:55:00.000+01:00

So here I was minding my own business walking around a car boot sale last week when this book just jumped out at me and something inside my warped brain said "you must buy this book"
So I did. I thought it must be a joke but evidently not

Here are a couple of excerpts for you.....enjoy

Hands up who wants this book cos someone's gonna get this marvellous gift in the post for christmas! Any textile designers?

Nothing to report

2007-10-01T10:17:00.000+01:00

It seems strange to me that I have no more funny stories, no quips, no tales but this job looking after the kids with Autism / Aspergers/ OCD / Anger problems / Emotional disturbances / etc ect etc is really draining me....

Oh one funny thing happened yesterday

Me: So ****** we have decided to take you to self defence classes so that you can better protect yourself in the real world

Her: Oh I know that stuff already

Me: Oh yes How?

Her: I'd just fucking glass em! Smash that'd be the end of it....

You've got to laugh.........

CrapBook

2007-09-14T11:41:00.000+01:00

So Facebook, We've all hooked up with friends new and old
Could I please be so bold, as to ask...
What the F*** are we going to do now?

We've exchanged our first messages
We can now see all of our "friends" and it makes us feel good
how important we are with such fine lookin pals
but actually its all just a load of crap

So thanks facebook, for inventing another bit of software that wastes everybodies time!
Sorry this was supposed to rhyme!

Alan saves the day......

2007-09-13T22:29:00.000+01:00

But only just!

As you know by now, anna and I are looking after 3 young adults who attend our college RMET.org.uk but with one with Autistic spectrum disorder and the other with severe ADHD we were going to have our hands full..

Today started well, but as we got to college one was crying, and it just got worse from there on.. I'll spare you the details, but I was the most hated person in the world for a short time, then i was great, then I was hated again, then the other students were hated then one suitcase was packed, with a "I'm Fuckin Leaving this Shithole, I fuckin hate it here, Everyone hates me, I'm being fucking bullied fuck fuck fuck, I wanna get out of this house, I gotta leave, I gotta go.

After much calming down and using the age old psychological technique of "blagging" all is now calm and I am happily resting in my king size bed, until breakfast tomorrow! where it will all start again.... Ain't life sweet?

But on a serious note, it amazes me how close we all are to being like people who are officially classed with a "disorder". Maybe being a little bit crazy makes us who we all are. Human.

I know one thing I'm heading for a Sainthood and an A+ in conflict resolution

Adventures with the Orgasmatron

2007-08-29T16:22:00.000+01:00

Orgasmatron = Great Head Massager and the name alan = Idiot

What a fraud I am!

2007-08-26T18:21:00.000+01:00

Well I've moved in to the village of Bobbington in the middle of England, and let me assure you, it is VEry VERy quiet! I just can't wait to see what the neighbours ( very posh) make of our 3 children with such difficulties as OCD, ADHD, AUTISM, and ASPERGERS syndrome! Amongst other emotional, sexual and physical difficulties..

Maybe I'll just just keep them locked up in the basement at night! Yeah that'll do it, better soundproof it first though, and I best get some strong padlocks...

Oops Sorry, almost got carried away....Anyway we've been given a huge budget to go shopping with and have furnished the luverlly detached home in all kinds of shades of beige, and the home is nearly ready to welcome our new inmates (guests). All I have to do is mow the lawn, put on my best church going outfit put on the fake smile..... and say "Welcome....Children"..... I can't believe its me doing this.... Oh well it is and I have one year of this... School ends 10th July next year and from what the others have told me I'm going to be hoping it comes around very soon...

I'll be sure to keep you posted

Meanwhile here are some photos of "my" "perfect" "idyllic" country home...all paid for by someone else!

Oi! Ain't I sexy?

2007-08-26T18:13:00.000+01:00

A photo to prove that I get maximum wear out of all of my T-Shirts. This one makes an attractive mini dress, don't you think? This T-Shirt was bought for me by Joel's brother in Toulouse in 04 on the occasion of joel's 40th birthday. ( His brother bought him one for his birthday and so as not to leave me out he thought he'd get me one as well! Wot a nice man.)

Why am I on Facebook?

2007-08-18T09:12:00.000+01:00

A guy I used to know whilst in the Alps has been requesting I become one of his virtual facebook friends for a while and today I only went and accepted. Silly me. Then I started to seek out other people who I haven't "socially networked" with for a while, and as I was just about to invite them all to become my new facebook friends I realised......There's a reason I don't email or call them anymore!

If I wanted to "socially network" with them I'd be doing it already. Although it is nice to spy on what they're up to!

Ahhh Its so nice to be friends again......

Swimmin in the Baltic

2007-08-12T07:43:00.001+01:00

I tell you what you wouln't believe the weather up here. Its really really hot. So today we have been off to the beach. YES they do have beaches in Sweden. And it were lovely, yes sir. Its da Baltic Sea.

Up north feels like the real Scandinavia, lots of pine trees, oh and bears, that I haven't seen, and elks,or as you Americuns like to call em, Moooses, which I had to go to an elk farm to see! Nonetheless it is amazingly beautiful. Annas farm is in a village called Solberg, which is actually just 2 houses, her grandfathers and theirs, 50m apart. Well it is still officially a village apparently.

Yesterday we went to her Aunts cabin in the woods by a lake and it too was "amazingly beautiful" so here is a photo of anna dippin her planks in for a bit of cool refreshment.
Yes sir, life don't get much better than this. I guess soon I'll have to think about work which starts in just over a week. Off to Stockholm tomorrow.

Barn Dancin the night away

2007-08-12T07:27:00.000+01:00

On the first night in Sweden I was taken to a barn dance. I'd never been to one before so it was all a bit of a surprise when I got there. This was in the middle of nowhere, except there were hundreds of people, a touring dance band, and lights in the "arena" which switch between men and women. Let me explain. If your light's on you get to ask anyone to dance. I played it safe and danced with anna, I had only received dance "lessons" 2 minutes before we went and was amazed at how crap I actually was. My type of dancing usually involves, A. A very dark nightclub and B. Lots of added alcohol. This had neither. No alcohol and lots of lights folks.

For the next 4 hours I attempted to step 1....2.....3,4 or however it was supposed to be but mainly just stepped on annas feet.

But I tell you what though, I had FUN! I'm a convert.

Its About time....

2007-08-03T04:06:00.000+01:00

I have been very slack not updating my blog recently, so here goes.

Currently I am on a bus. Amazing. It has a free wireless network...Cooooool

Where Am I? About 75kms south of Umea in the north of Sweden.

Who with? Anna. My new Swedish girlfriend. She is very nice. But she doesn't want her picture taken right now!

What am I doing? Well this is a 2 week holiday before we start work...Currently it is 5.09 am and the sun has been up since just before 4am.. Sleeping on a bus is NO fun...

After much deliberation about what to do, we found a job as "Houseparents" working for an educational trust that provides creative education for teenagers and young adults with Autism, Aspergers Syndrome, ADHD etc and teaches them traditional craft skills (glass making, pottery, weaving, bronze forging etc etc) This is to get them to focus their energies on creating, rather than teaching them a trade. Anyway, they are all residential and the idea is to provide them with a warm safe environment in which they can grow. (many of them come from abusive, or unsupportive homes).. So that's where we come in. They rent nice 5 bedroom houses, ( 3 students plus us) in the countryside and we teach then life skills (like cooking, etc and take them camping, to the cinema, and basically support them throughout their time at the college, just like normal parents).

We have to work 6 weeks on 1 week off (we have 9am to 4pm off). But we get 3 and a half months off a year. So we have committed to do this for one year. Finishing next July. Oh did I tell you the college (http://www.rmet.org.uk/) is in the old royal doulton glass factory. Very cool. Oh did I tell you we get paid some money, and did I tell you that we even have an activities budget.

Wish us luck......!!!!! think its gonna be a teeny weeny bit challenging,

Why did we decide to do it? Who knows.
I gotta go now. I feel in need of using the on board toilet facilities.

Go Me!

2007-06-29T17:05:00.000+01:00

One of the things I've always thought about myself is that I'm great and the rest of you are shit. Where and how this opinion started I have no idea but anyway there you are and there you go! The last 3 months have been pretty enlightening for me, where I realised that not only was I one angry bastard but I actually knew absolutely nothing!Apparently on the road to enlightenment this is quite a common feature!

So I have just learned (very recently) to accept everything and let any anger with the world go! I can't change it. If I could I would probably have to blow up the whole world including all of you my friends! Anyway just in case you think i have lost the plot, it may be that I have, as next week I am going to a place called throssel hole zen buddhist abbey to study in silence!

So from now on no more sarcastic and cruel blogs. Shame but one has to move on! Expect a new style! Which hopefully will be more Compassionate!

This is a photo taken on the Isle of Arran on my last day.... I learned a lot up on holy isle and I found out many things about myself and every one else! I met lots of nice people up there.... One in particular...... ;-)

I'm noticing a change.......

2007-06-22T20:50:00.000+01:00

I was just spending a little time rereading some old blogs and I have to say that I think I'm going to have to change my humour, I have realised that I can't spend the rest of my life insulting people. It just isn't helpful. Unfortuntately this change of heart will leave me without a personality and I certainly won't have any humour left . I'm just warning you OK!

So as I prepare to wrap up my 3 months here I am doing a great deal of reflecting.. Its a shame I have to change, I kinda liked the old me!

oh ps. Some American twat was supposed to be coming on a course here this week, but went to the other holy island 250 miles away on the other side of Britain. Twat! Oops there i go again....

on another note ... I have been really happy over the last few weeks... i wonder what could have happened?? anyway i'm not going to tell you!

The Thing I hate about the buddhists is....

2007-06-07T17:08:00.000+01:00

They think they're so damned smart! They come up with such seemingly clever bullshit. But really, they're just EGOISTS! oOOOOOH Alan! Walking around in their simple purple dresses they make me sick! So whats all this anger about? I'll tell you! For the last 2 months I have been working on a solo project to buy local (within 100 miles radius) , seasonal and organic in that order but it has been shut down because the head guy doesn't care about that sort of stuff!! He's more interested in looking good than doing something real.

He said " Let us focus on the number 1 thing and that is getting a wind turbine! I have pointed out that the environment is being dmaanged by us flying in 95% of our dried goods beans and lentils etc from bolivia and peru! and that our veg, although bought from a shop quite local to our island is indeed not only shipped over from the mainland first but is flown or trucked from everywhere but britiain. Potatoes from cyprus, lettuce from kenya, apples from brazil!!!

All things that are in season right now in England!!

I give up... Religious people only see one thing and that is their religion. They think that meditation can heal the world and thats the end of it.... They don't see the big picture. And that big picture includes the food we eat, who grows it, how they grow it and where it comes from. They cannot integrate meditative practice and real life. And until they do that, all they're doing is talking a good game!!

I rest my case!

Needless to say, I will now fall out witgh all the purple dress wearing monsters and get marched off the island... Oh well. Lifes a bitch, but at least I'm not a monk.

See ya

Peace and blessings from Holy Island

2007-05-20T18:50:00.000+01:00

Hello fellow earth dwellers. I have been here on Holy Island for over 6 weeks now and I am pleased to report that I am a changed man. Hours of meditation practice really has changed me. I no longer crave what you crave. I am no longer addicted to the evils of modern life. I am going to become a monk and live in service to his holiness for the rest of my life, but before I do, I would like to share several last experiences from holy island. This will be the last time I use humour in this way for it is cruel and insensitive to others....

Yeah but I love it!

So anyway here's the goss. .....
This is a conversation between a monk up for a week from London and a long tern volunteer.

volunteer: so lindrup how long have you been a monk?
Lindrup: Since 2000...
volunteer: So do you live at the London centre then?
Lindrup: Actually I live round the corner from the centre with my mum
volunteer: What! Do you live as a monk with your mum?
lindrup: yes, I'm saving up to do a long term retreat
volunteer: What do you mean saving up, how do you do that as a monk
lindrup: Actually I'm a builder by trade, so I do that during the day....
volunteer: Ohhh err I see.......

Conversation between new volunteer here for 2 weeks only and old volunteer.

Old volunteer: What are you laffin for russell? (geordie accent)
russell: Fuckin ell, yer not gonna believe this, you know that tall dutch bird?(London accent)
Old volunteer: Yes, what about her?
russell: well I went into the toilet after her and there was a fuckin but-errfly dying in her piss, I didn't know what to fuckin do. I wasn gona take it out wif me ands, but I didn't wanna flush it, talk about bad fuckin karma.
old volunteer: I see.....

Alan: Hows it going russell? everything alright? like the food?
Russell: Yeah but I tell ya wot, since those lentels terday I've been fartin like a fuckin nutter.

Russell has since left us after complaining that he didn't want to wash pots and do the bins. Which is exactly what another new (australian) volunteer said to me.... "look ALAN! I didn't fucking come here to be someones pot washer!
"Well", I said "if theres a job to be done its got to be done... I tell you what, I'll do the washing up and you cook the lunch...
"Don't get fucking smart with me." she replied!
The bitch!

So as you can see life on a spiritual island isn't all rosy all the time, sometimes I feel like I'mon one of those reality shows like survivor.. Who's going to be the next one to get voted off!

Its full of ex -monks who were de robed for flouting the "chastity" rules, ex alcoholics, ex drug addicts, jesus am I the only sane one here? Oh yeah, I'm a nutter too. Sorry I have to go meditation awaits me, followed by a good S**t!

Bye for now
Peace and blessings be upon you
You bunch of freaks.
Love
Alan
xx

No wonder I don't like religion

2007-03-31T15:40:00.000+01:00

and its Not just because I don't believe in the lord god, or allah or buddah, or vishnu, or whoever you decide to make up tommorrow as our saviour, its just that sometimes when people discuss religion in mathematical terms i can't tell if they're talking about bus numbers you need to know to get to heaven OR who the odds on favourite is to be the one God... All I do know is that if everyone tries to get on a bit better there'd be no need for this numerical bullshit.. ( Note: if 666 is the number of the beast and not the number of the bus I'll probably be in trouble now!)

I'm off to An Island!!

2007-03-29T13:51:00.000+01:00

Surely not, you say, off travelling again? Well its part true and part not... I am going to a place called Holy Island, which is an island, off the west coast of scotland...but notjust any island... This is a small 1 mile by 1/2 mile island, run by tibetan monks, they have a monastery, healing centre, and do lots of retreats for the less enlightened. I will be off to volunteer, either in their vegetarian kitchen ( perfect) or their veggie gardens (perfect). The whole island is run on a wind turbine and solar panels and is an excellent model of how to do stuff well....

The real reason for me going of course is that I will have the ability to finish my book in absolute silence.... It is a monastery after all!!!!

Oh by the way this is a photo of my big boss he's a Lama!

Hey I'm a 7!

2007-03-22T13:19:00.000Z

So its not as good as a 10, but the score only went up to 9! What I am talking about? Is it my blatent desirability? my smouldering looks? or my shiny shoulder length hair? No Of course it isn't ! Its my score on the ancient enneagram personality test! Here are my results... So I guess I'm not mad, just a 7, The Enthusiast

World View: The world is full of opportunity and options. I look forward to the future.
Basic Desire: to be happy
Basic Fear: of being deprived

Try out the test yourself!!! Go on!! http://www.personalityonline.com/tests/engine.html?testid=2

Give it a click......! Let me know what you score so I know who i'm dealing with!!

Look to the Past

2007-03-22T12:46:00.000Z

"jesus said pray to god and He will give you whats good for you!"

I was having a look through my old junior school books the other day for no other reason than plain old sentimentaility and the fact I wanted to see if there was any hint of writing genius that would give an indication of how successful I would become as a writer, and here's what I found ( selected extracts from the mind of a 5 year old!!)

"The good samaritan helped the poor man after he had been robbed and beaten by some robbers!"

I may have got a good mark here, but don't you think its awful that by the age of 5 my social conditioning was complete, and I already was writing about Fear of god and people being beaten up! I have one word to say to the parents and educators of this world.

Hey did i tell you? God popped round

2007-03-10T13:52:00.000Z

My book is not nearly finished. I lied. Well i didn't know I was lying, I thought it nearly was, but it isn't and having had some kind of epiphany didn't help! Well, there I was lying in bed, thinking about angel (sorry angels) and it came to me, right then and there, right in my bed, in my pyjamas, (The epiphany, stupid!)
So here I was in bed, sweating, unsure what this ghostly apparition was, but it had a beard and some kind of rose crown, not flowerly but thornly and I said "Jesus Christ! are you who I think you are?" "Yes my son", I am God and I'm here to help you finish your book, "really?" I said, that's very kind of you God! thanks a million, I'm a bit stuck here, its on religion, the soul, spirituality, and all the other bullshit associated with you.

"Listen" said God, If you write in your book that I came into your bedroom and talked to you, and that I exist, and that you believe in me, and me alone as the saviour of the world, I will heal the sick, cure the dying, and stop famine and war..FOREVER. and you will live eternally in heaven, with a vestibule of vestal virgins. Just write it in your book, and I will forgive you for all your sins."

"That's very kind of you god", I replied, "but you see, if you do exist, you must be one mean fucker to let everyone kill each other, to let people suffer like this, to enable people to be so cruel to each other, to hate members of our own species so violently, So why don't you fuck off back to wherever you came from, and think about what I just said..

With that, God disappeared and took Mary, who was a prostitute, with him, as she was a gift for me if I accepted that he existed, but she'd probably had more c***s than I'd had hot dinners, and I was just getting over a dose of the clap.

Aaaahhh that's better I thought , as I snuggled under my ample duvet, and resolved to write about another 800 pages on GOD. etc etc etc. So there you have it, Alan 1 God 0, although the book will not now be finished till August.

Bastard! Please note some parts of this story are fictional, no not about god popping roundthat was true, I didn't really have the clap, oh but I did F*** Mary.

Err sorry, I had too much coffee today, I'll be better tomorrow......

Lets get facialled

2007-03-10T13:33:00.000Z

Ha ha, well since my last post i have been investing heavily in getting some serious beauty treatments. Mud packs, eye massages, exfoliation treatments ( no brazilian as yet), and why you ask? Well not only does it feel good, but also I started noticing that constant exposure to the sun has left my eyes rather wrinkled. Bloody hell. For those of you that haven't seen me recently..err most of you, I think laxk of sunglass wear and factor 1 sun oil has left me like a wrinkled old prune, just the face you understand, the rest is a smooth as a baby's bum, well apart from the hair that is starting to sprout from every orifice.!! Yuk! Sorry!

But I has got to thinking that maybe its not the sun, maybe its middle age. I can't believe it, I think age is finally catching up with my youthful good looks, I'm developing a rotundness that can hardly be described as "well sexy", and basically am getting ollllldddd.
So you can see why a mass of energy is being devoted to maintaining and regaining my youth!! talking of regaine. I'm not using that hair replacement shit, Fortunately i have a very nice head, and unstickyout ears, so it kind of suits me.!!!!

I'm just telling you this now folks in case you don't recognise me the next time we see each other. At least I haven't gone grey yet!! So to all my male friends, may you experience getting old the same as I have, and to all my girl friends, never get old, it isn't distinguished, its not sexy and nobody will love you!!

Oh I enclose a photo of my last dinner to show I am going on a diet.... Ha !Who said vegetarians can't get fat!

I hate Apple

2007-02-27T16:44:00.000Z

and I hate my Ipod its as shit as a mc donalds burger
and i hate them too
but not as much as I hate steve jobs, ceo of apple
for selling this shit and charging for it
thankyou for listening

Oh by the way i ran "Steve Jobs" through an internet anagram server, and guess what? Nothing! Just like the man and his products! Nothing! Who would buy anything from a man whose name can't even be scrambled?!

Unlike my own of course which becomes "Oral Ran"
or if I use my middle name "macmillan" becomes "Man! I am carnal roll!"

I don't know which one's worse, but at least I've got an anagram!! na na na na nahhh!

Thank God for Mc Donalds

2007-02-20T18:44:00.000Z

On numerous occasions McDonalds have literally saved my life and today was no exception. There I was minding my own business, walking along the street when suddenly I started to get the sweats, I quickly wiped my glistening brow, then my back started sweating. I quickly took my jacket off but it was no good. I knew what was coming and it wasn't going to be pleasant. The sweats and stomach cramps signalled something vile that was about to explode. I looked around in a panic. Nothing, where could it be, no sign of one anywhere, why were there no public ones any more, not a cafe in sight, I hurriedly made my way back to the centre, full of hope, would it be open, would it be sanitary? I ran quickly but stealthily to avoid any jerky movements, I tugged on the door. Success, Not far now, 20 more paces, I move swiftly through the crowd and try the second door. Yes! 5 more paces, that's all I need, come on Alan you can do it! I put my hand on the door handle and gently tug. It opens freely, I jump in lock the door.........and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh Mctoilet, I'm lovin' it

Man! its a Zoo out there!

2007-02-19T08:21:00.000Z

and that's just the humans! Well I was at the zoo today, (research you know) and I am not going to start complaining that its cruel etc, I just wanted to share an intimate moment with you that i shared (noticed) whilst observing the chimpanzees at play.
Let me set the scene for you.

"3 Chimps,one peeling an orange, one female sitting looking chimp like and another male brooding in the corner over what looked to be some kind of root vegetable. So anyway, the female suddenly gets up and parades past the male, at which point the male lifts his hairy chimp hand and sticks his finger into said females rectum"

and some people don't think we come from the apes!

Sorry didn't manage to capture it on camera, and don't think its childish but here's a photo of another ape with its penis out! Wey Hey! I'm 37 you know!

Stop wasting time!

2007-02-15T10:24:00.001Z

By my calculations I have lived for 13505 days which equates to 324120 hours. Assuming I slept for about 8 hours a day, I fail to see what I have done with the remaining 216080 hours
or 9003 days

Here's to great Friends!

2007-02-15T09:27:00.000Z

You know, as you get older maybe you get a bit more sentimental, looking through life through rose coloured spectacles, but however you look at life, friends are mostest importante. Which is why you should not do as I do but do as I say. " Don't piss your friends off! You can always get another wife/ husband but good friends are hard to come by!"

I'm in this sentimental mood as I got a call (at great expense to herself, none of this free skype to skype stuff) from my great friend Gabby(riella) last night. I had sent her a text at about 6am her time and I was most impressed that when she called back she wasn't A. Cranky at that time in the morning and B. Cranky at that time in the morning, Way to go Gab! showin us that not all women are twats in the morning.

anyway, I got to thinking about this whole friend thing and I got to counting my real friends you know, close friends (**definition: someone you speak to at least once a year) and i realised that the people i stay in touch with the most are located alloverthefuckingplace (not a real town)

So here goes:
Name: Joel de jaeger Location : Guadeloupe Distance from me : 4850 miles or 7805 kms
Name: Matt Ohlen Location: Bend, Oregon Distance from me: 5424 miles or 8728km
Name: Justin Zajac Location: Melbourne, Aus Distance from me:9892 miles (15920 km)
Name: Gabriella Gismondi Location: Melbourne Distance from me: 9892 miles (15920 km)
Name: Tim Gray Location: London Distance from me: 644 miles (1036 km)

Great: A real geographical nightmare:

Technically you would expect that I would get calls from or see Tim most because he lives the closest, but you would be wrong, Tim never answers emails, sends texts or replies, and will consistently fail to turn up when you arrange to meet him, even if you're only in the country for one day. So you see distance isn't everything.
Joel is excused when he doesn't write because he's French and they have always been unreliable. Matt is American but has a blog so I that I always know whats going on, Gabby phones,texts and even updates her blog(sometimes) and that just leaves justin, who actually would make a very good friend for Tim! (sorry justin!)

but nonetheless I am glad to have this small motley crue of friends. Life would be a lot less smiley without them!

So in this air of sentimentality I'd like to personally thank you friends, you may live far away but you are close in my heart! (sob sob sob) Don't worry i'll soon be back to my old sarcastic self.

Some people are real sick!

2007-02-15T09:18:00.000Z

Every Day I'm amazed by what people not only do but actually ask for advice on!

Question posed to netdoctor.co.uk
"

"
and the answer

Errm and the reason I was looking at stuff like this was for....err medical research!

Misery! Oh sweet misery

2007-02-08T10:35:00.000Z

No! its not really me! I'm not that good at makeup!
So here's the thing. When gabby set my blog up nearly 10 months ago, just after I left the grand continent of Austraaaliaa, I felt that I could share some of my (sometimes) well observed humour (sarcasm) but recently I've noticed that A. I'm not as funny as i think I am. B I've got nothing to say! Is it true? Can it be so? I, who loves talking as much as I do, have run out of things to say. Maybe Its because I'm getting old. Maybe its because I'm getting boring in my old age. Maybe its that I've spent too much time on my own writing this damned book! Maybe its that I hate life. Maybe its that I hate everyone else. Oh woe is me, for I am mostest miserable that I cannot find humour in this shell that we call life. I findest sorrow and suffering everywhere I turn, it twists and torments my overworked mind.....What is a soul to do, I am lost. Alas poor yorrick........

Nah! Enough of that bollocks!

Lets talk about women! I have come to the conclusion that it is the female of the species that screwest us all up! and I have definitely decided to become a woman hater. In fact I might even turn gay. (err no that may be painful)

They bitch and they moan about everything we do. Nothing we do is right. They manipulate and control us. They make us want to hate them. They are in the wrong even if we go out drinking and flirting with women every night. They are in the wrong, when they ask us to clean. We are the hunter. We haven't got time for all their emotional bullshit. We're just too busy doing "Men" things so they should leave us alone. (except when we want sex when they should be available at a moments notice, prepared to engage in all activities legal or not! I have to say that over the last 20 or so years of engagement with "the enemy" we have to conclude that in the words of our American cousins "women suck" (no pun intended).

To all my friends who are girls, and female family members, this doesn't apply to you. You are perfect and always will be.

I choose the picture of the clown as it represents the man who smiles to make others happy but is crying deep down inside...a state that every man who has ever been in a relationship feels.

Be strong fellow men together we will overcome them, the time is now right for us to "rise" up and defeat them. We will draw our "swords" and "plunge" them into their "chasms". again and again, month after month, year after year. We will "seal" their mouths with the "broad side" of our "swords" so they cannot poison us with their incessant complaining. We will "explode" our "bombs" inside them so they know the torment that they have caused. We will watch them "bleed". and laugh our maniacal laugh and say " suffer ye who hath caused me pain!"

The end. Ah that's better, I feel like a new man already, I feel cleansed and purified, like the urine I passed only moments ago.........

sorry for the "" quotes (the sign of a bad writer who can't use euphemisms without drawing attention to them. Oh what the hell, if you don't like it then you must be a girl as well!

McDonald's Eat Your Heart Out!

2007-02-04T18:16:00.000Z

Try and beat this you bastard purveyors of fast food!

Its the all new Home Made "McAlan Veggie Fat Boy Burger"

Why are the English so Bloody Angry?

2007-01-19T22:36:00.002Z

Whilst out for a nice calm drive in the beautiful English countryside today I was upset to note that the English are the most pig ignorant bastards on the road today. If I could have caught the people that cut me up on the road or wouldn't let me out at the crossroads, or weren't polite and courteous I would have literally killed them, ripped them apart from their limbs with my bare hands and tossed their bones aside.

have you seen this man?

2007-01-19T18:39:00.000Z

Missing: Presumed Dead

Justin Zajac

also answers to the name Mr Gnome or just Gnomey to his friends
He has been known to disguise himself as a human and sometimes looks like this (possibly a false beard)

Wrong footwear No?

2007-01-16T22:16:00.000Z

I just viewed my friend matt's blog this evening and was interested viewing our American cousins choice of footwear for the snow. Is it just me or is the man wearing slippers?

I love my Ipod

2007-01-12T19:24:00.000Z

Of course my Ipod's not like this one, all shiny and new.

It looks like crap, battered and blue
But a miracle has happened, praise the lord
after a million times dropped it finally works
so thank you steve jobs, your my hero of the day
all i had to do was drop it continually since May.

I know that i have trouble with rhyme
but let me say it just one more time
the ipod is great it has saved my life
no more boredom or continual strife

I just plug in and listen to music so loud
I don't have to worry about being in a crowd
it blocks out reality one tune at a time
and it goes down so well with a bottle of wine

so to all you misers who always complain
my ipod is broken it'll never work again
i say this to you with hand on my heart
drop it once more and it just might start

Alan orr 2007

for this bit of advertising, Steve Jobs, you're a twat
an ipod that saves lives you're having a laugh
an ipod is for fun, for stopping the blues
it won't save them from aids, its for listenin to tunes

Happy New Year!

2007-01-12T09:12:00.000Z

I've just come back from a great 15 days in the mountains of the czech republic where we were supposed to be cross country skiing, but alas, due to the lack of snow and increased global bloody warming it was spoiled! so all you car drivers and factory owners out there thanks a lot!

At least the beer was cold and very cheap so thats a bonus

To all my friends lucky enough to receive the short video, I hope you enjoyed it!

and to everyone, I hope this year brings you as much joy as sitting on an outside toilet did for me.

I'm fat like a pig

2006-12-27T12:36:00.000Z

I had a bit of a revelation this morning. I tried to get a nice pair of jeans on and was not able to do up the buttons without being severely short of breath. So after putting on a comfy pair of "BIGGER" jeans, I decided to weigh myself.

In March this year I was 10.4 stone - 66 kilos

Now I am 12.2 stone - 78 Kilos !`That is an increase of 12 kilos! and that my friends equals an extra 48 pats of butter on my belly!

Its time to slim!

Look out for my new "fatometer" which I will create for this site.

Jesus Christ!

2006-12-24T10:14:00.000Z

Bah Humbug!As scrooge would say, but not I. I love xmas. Maybe because I'm British, or maybe because I love presents, but it really is a magical time of year don't you think? Just to see the look on all the childrens faces, when they get their 11th present of ther morning, well it brings a little tear to my eye!

Who could not like xmas? The fun, the drinking, the partying, the presents, more presents, the food, the 1st course to the 5th course and of course lets not forget the baby jesus, without whom this wonderful celebration would not exist. Or was that santa claus? I can't remember. Anyway, I hope everyone else enjoys xmas as much as I plan to. I really couldn't think of a better thing to celebrate than the birth of some child whose existence (or lack of it) has caused more death, pain and suffering than you could ever wish for.

Why Christmas is a time for sharing, for telling people you love them, for being nice to people, for giving. But imagine if we were like this all the time! It would make you sick! We couldn't very well go around being nice to everyone 365. No sir! That would make the world a very boring place, and if everyone was nice to everyone else, there would be no need for global news corporations, and what would everybody watch on TV?
Oh yes, mind bending soaps and junk food reality shows just like we do now.

No, Christmas is a special time of year for us Christians and let me say that I fully support all Christian world leaders, who are helping to make this world a more peaceful , cooperative place.

Take time to thank our Troops who selflessly slay all unchristian enemies whilst we eat one of x billion turkeys hacked up and served with a nice cranberry sauce.

Yes Sir Christmas is the time for celebrating Mankind and our achievements. and remember to go to church this xmas and His supernatural invisiblessness will be sure to protect you in all of your endeavours, no matter what you do.

So enjoy xmas. Its the one time of year you can really forget about all the harm thats being done by all of us to each other and concentrate on spending money and getting drunk.

God Bless you all.

Note: Some portions of this text are sarcastic for which I sincerely apologise to those offended. But then if you get offended thats your choice!

If you're a celebrity you can't win

2006-12-17T08:45:00.000Z

As a celebrity eco campaigner, chris martin from coldplay thought he was doing a good thing by planting trees to offest the emissions generated from the production of their latest album

alas twas not to be

Stick to making music Chris, best to let other people do the thinking. On another note, Chris martin actually rearranges to become

"Martins Rich"

So that will give him plenty of cash to waste on planting more trees, whilethe rest of us have to work. ( well not me, but all you lot anyway).Just think ofthe environmental damage that would be caused if everyone had enough money to just go around planting trees. They would completely ruin our cities. I for one don't want my city looking like a tropical rainforest. No sir.

Anagram Madness!

2006-12-11T19:06:00.000Z

As you may recall from the last post death was listed as a symptom of a painful groin. For some stupid reason I put groin strain into an anagram scrambler because I was slightly bored!

Groin Strain = Rats Ironing : Typed it into Google and hey presto! http://www.ratbehavior.org/laundry.htm
where there are many tips on washing and Ironing your rat.

Ironing your rat = Urinary rooting which although sounds like something done to women by australian males is in fact the JOE PYE WEED which is a Perennial herb of rich meadows, Cleansing, diuretic root for urinary problems (‘gravel root’) ( Note : A gravel root IS something done to women by australian males on unsealed roads.no photo available)

Joe Pye weed = deep wee joy which we all know is finally being able going to the toilet when desperate (many photo available but probably not appropriate)

I could go on for hours my friends.........but alas.....

I hope I don't need these guys help if I'm sick!

2006-12-07T20:08:00.000Z

I was searching on the internet this evening as lucie seems to have developed some kind of groin strain, (for a cure! not that i was surfing the internet because she was out of action) and happened upon the following diagnosis. Unfortunately for lucie, in wrongdiagnosis.com they seems to link groin pain to the symptom above.

So next time you're suffering from death make sure you call your medical professional!

Hey everybody Its Svaty Mikulas day!

2006-12-05T20:37:00.000Z

Or to you and me Saint Nicolas day, where most of europe celebrate a mythical secret gift giving priest who lived somewhere in a kebab land far away known as Turkey. Children dress up as the mythical saint and as some as the devil and angels and try to frighten younger children into giving money to them, rewarding them with a mandarin. It is not well known that the mandarin eating at christmas actually originated in ancient China where every year they would celebrate the language they spoke by eating a small orange. As Saint Nicholas was a widely travelled monk, he witnessed this and decided to bring back the small orange as a symbol of Christmas. It is also not well known that the reason we eat the bird known as a "turkey" is in celebration of Saint Nicholas's birthplace in Turkey.

The 6th December is in fact the day that he arrived back from china with the mandarins.

During the modern festivities, Mandarins don't come from china and Turkeys don't come from Turkey anymore but its a good excuse into frightening young children into believing in god, uber squandering of money and obscene greed. But it was a great evening all the same.

Me with a scary Diablo sent to scare the children (Note: not diablos real face more likely to be a mask made in china)

You Have to try this!

2006-12-02T17:15:00.000Z

I was out for a nice walk in the forest with lucie today, it was a little cold and the light was dim but out of the mist appeared a restaurant and in this restaurant they served a soup.......

What is it? Why its an incredible meal! Its soup in an edible bowl!

Heres the recipe folks...

Take 1 Round Bread
Carefully slice the top off
Pull out bread inside so you only have crust left
Prepare any soup you like
Pour in soup
Eat The Soup
Eat the Bowl

That is one clever soup!

How to win New Friends "Poncho Style"

2006-11-29T17:27:00.000Z

1. Leave employment where you may meet other people
2. Choose and Industry to work in where you work on your own plus there is no talking. (massage)
3. Become a minority (vegetarian)
4. Opt to give up alcohol and cigarettes (boring)
5. Behave like you are superior
6. Write a book about how everyone elses lifes are shit
7. Alienate the whole world

Way to go Alan!
Still at least I'm not Black
God did I say that
I hate myself sometimes.

Way to go Alan!

It just occurred to me

2006-11-27T20:51:00.000Z

If I publish my book and noone reads it what will i do?
Actually the question is what will I do with the money?
As I will have already secured an enormous advance.
Having no-one read it frees me from the ethical and moral nightmares I have about not living up to my own book
Thereby allowing me to relax on a tropical island
Totally absolving me of any responsibility
Leaving me Absolutely Guilt Free!

So even if it gets published don't buy it! You'll hate it anyway

Warning Warning Warning
Sounds Like the critical review it may get

Is my mum havin a laugh?

2006-11-26T17:33:00.000Z

In case you don't remember I posted a blog recently about an unfortunate polish woman who fell 234 meters to her death in the village I used to work. I made an inappropriate comment about her posthumously getting the irish freefall record without a parachute but it was taken back because she wan't Irish......

Anywa, This is a copy of an offline chat my mum left me on skype today......

She now swears she wasn't serious but I'm not so sure...she is half irish

Wheres my Czech?

2006-11-24T18:49:00.000Z

Your czechs in the post!
and talking of czechs I'm still waiting for my czech for nearly 3000 euro that my ex employer owes me from ireland because they were unhappy that i left without giving them notice, even though I was contractualy no........yeah yeah noones interested in your sob stories! but one interesting thing I noticed was that my photo (albeit small) is in their photo gallery
! i bet they don't realise that! and here it is...

If they don't pay me my money soon I may be tempted to fill in their lovely enquiry form with something like the following
I knew there was a reason the english ruled them for 700 years. It took them that long to get the money they were owed out of them.
Oh and in case any irish are reading this and want to bomb me here is my location in Brno , czech rep thanks to google earth
What? You don't think I'm stupid enough to put the coordinates on there do you?

Lets give thanks....

2006-11-22T20:58:00.000Z

I was just checking my friend Mattos Blog. He's american, (and very nice) and he was writing a nice blog about Thanksgiving, some tradition in the Good Ol US of A. A tradition that I have never seen in any other country so I looked up the definition ....

Thanksgiving is a holiday celebrated in much of North America, generally observed as an expression of gratitude, usually to God. The most common view of its origin is that it was to give thanks to God for the bounty of the autumn harvest. In the United States, the holiday is celebrated on the fourth Thursday in November. ...

An expression of gratitude to God? Yeah Right! but by the looks of him here he may be talking to god on the big white telephone very soon.

Americans, you gotta love em
Oh say can you see..........

By the way, I wonder if the polish guy in the previous picture was expressing his gratitude to God?

Proof that Alcohol Works

2006-11-19T18:50:00.000Z

Childern are always asking questions, why is this mum why is that dad? Urrrgh Fuck Off! Little Brat! But if one of the little bastards ever asks you! Mum! What does Alcohol Do?

Just Show Them this picture
ps he is Polish so that actually excuses him as most of them look like this all the time anyway except my friend jayzee who looks like this

Breaking News
Wow! The place I worked in Ireland is in the news its the world famous "Cliffs of Moher" 1km from where I cooked shit food
Unlucky! but she was posthumously awarded the
National freefall record for Ireland
for falling 243 metres without a parachute
but it was taken back because she was polish not Irish. Shame.

I'm not boring & middle aged...I'm having a mid life crisis!

2006-11-19T18:38:00.000Z

Jesus! Why didn't I spot this before, here I am worried about my age my health what I'm doing with my life and I didn't spot that actually i'm 37 and A half!! that means with the lifestyle I've lead, the chances are I'm well over half way through my life with nothing to show but a few wrinkles, a failed marriage, over 100 bedded maidens! ( I rock!) a few sexual diseases, the fact I have tried nearly every addictive substance ( yes they are addictive!)

So actually my mid life crisis is misplaced- People still think I'm great, the mirror doesn't crack when I look at it, women are still happy to lay down their "furs" for me, and soon I will be a world famous revoultionary writer!!

Yippeee I'm so fucking happy .. I'm so glad to be 37 and a half..... Life is wonderful, Life is great, sex is great, especially my old favourite "Owralsegs"

What the fuck am I complaining about

Actually I'm forgetting my mum my read this.!

so mum if your reading this, none of the above is true.

Have I become boring and middle aged?

2006-11-14T19:37:00.000Z

Yes this is a pictire of me playing Pitch and Putt ( or small golf )with my dad. Golf a hobby reserved for middle aged middle class people with far too much time and money on their hands. and I'm glad to say I'm not one of them! Except that I am 37 and a half but not loaded. (well sometimes I GET loaded but thats another story)

I am sitting in the czechy republicky busily writing my book which I admit is a bit fucking heavy on the old brain power, and I think I may be losing my sense of humour. Can it be possible.? I was just reading my friend matts blog which he has just started and I have to admit I think its better than mine! Although my book is taking up most of my time and everyone else is taking up my other time I'm not getting a lot of chance to think of real humour! In fact, I am so pissed off writing this stupid book to help the whole of stupid humanity, that I'm thinking of chucking it all in and throwing in my hand with the "terrorists" or indeed anyone whose mission is to blow you all up. You are not worthy of having an earth this nice...you must die and as such if you wish to speed up this process you will all fall behind me in voting for this man as the new head of the UN.

But anyway I digress, back to my book. I thought it would be finished by xmas but as usual omitted to do the math. So it goes like this : 237 Topics still to cover - an average of 1.5 topics per day - leaves 158 days left = 22.57 weeks = 5.64 months.

5.64 months - and I still don't have a publisher and I'm running out of money again and I think thats enough to make anyone lose their sense of humour. Plus I've started reading other peoples blogs and I have decided that if I'm not funny anymore, neither is anyone elses blogs especially if they look cleverer than mine!

Sorry for the doom and gloom but you try staring at a white wall with no windows all day..err no I haven't been locked up, honest! but this book is driving me crazy, my brain is not big enough for this stuff. err and i broke my digital camera. so photos are short on the ground.
If I think of something funny I'll let you know. Till then............

Has It been done already?

2006-11-05T19:08:00.000Z

I for one am a great fan of the net. An abuduntant wealth of information as deep as the worlds deepest oceans at your fingertips. A place so full of knowledge you would need 5.43 million brains (using my latest calculations) to process all the information available. A place so free I can indulge all my perversities without fear of reproach. A universe so connected you can feel the global energy of the people just by plugging it in.....

I get nervous when I don't have internet, what am I missing I start to feel my molecules becoming disconnected, I feel disjointed, disinterested with life. How can my boring life compare to the great Ubernet (thought I was being original here, seems theres already a website). But here's the thing, now I've got Internet back again after a long absence, I have to share with you that I am a little concerned.

As you may or may not know, depending on whether I have bored you to death with it over the last couple of years, I am writing a book of great importance which should be finished by Christmas (this year thankyou) but I'm getting nervous every time I see the Google Monster asking me what I want to search for. I'm getting worried, what if I find out from the google oracle that somebody has already written the exact same book that I have written?

This is worrying! Very worrying! Although come to think of it, I bet Jesus wasn't worried when he wrote the bible that someone else might have beaten him to it, like mohammed, or buddha, then again, he didn't write it! Ahh I am saved!

One more thing! This is a rant to all my friends I'm bloody sick paying international phone calls to find out your still leading the same boring lifes you always lead, when I could be talking to you for free through skype. To date I have been restricted to talking with my mum, and today Gabriella finally signed up! Come on slackers. Get with the program its free!!

How can it be?

2006-11-04T20:50:00.000Z

How can someone who is 8 hours behind me send me an email which arrives 6 hours ahead of me?

Maybe I wasn't supposed to get it till tomorrow. Thats a shame .I would have liked to read it tomorrow in case noone else sends me anything.

Its a Bit like santa sending you your xmas presents dated Dec 25th but they actually arrive on the 24th, thereby spoiling the surprise that you should get tomorrow but receive today.

People are so inconsiderate.

who loses half their country?

2006-11-04T12:00:00.000Z

Yeah, that's right I'm here in da ex communistic republika of cZech, known now only as the cZech republic, having sometime lost its oslovakia ending.

Here's a short History lesson for those interested:
1. 2nd World War Starts
2. Russians steam through Czechoslovakia on their way to Germany
3. war ends
4. Russia decides to keep Czechoslovakia as an early Xmas present to themselves
5. The Allies think " Oh Well, at least we're alright
6. Nice Communistic people make everyone's life miserable
7. 1989 some kind of crushed fabric revolution
8. Bread Queues down to 1.37 kms long
9. Nice Czech people decide to shaft their poorer Slovak Cousins and put up a fence
10. Stag Parties from Essex find cheap beer in Prague
11. Czech rep join European union
12. Beer Prices still cheap
13. I arrive in Brno, the city of Consonants

History lesson Complete

Next episode, What the hell am I doing in da ex communistic republika? Where is oslovakia gone to? Why is beer so cheap here? Why do they wear so many tracksuits, when they obviously don't play sport? What does -30 feel like............? Till next time folks

Chop Chop!

2006-10-04T17:37:00.000+01:00

The Orrs: A sitcom: Todays Episode: "One good deed!"
Enter Stage Left Terry aka "Mum"

Mum: Alan, I really want to get rid of that huge old sofa in the TV room, I'm sure its giving off poisonous fumes..
Me: Why do you say that?
Mum: Because every time I go in there and sit on it, I want to fall asleep.
Me: Isn't that the sign of a good Sofa though? ( audience Laughs)
Mum: What?
Me: That it makes you want to to sleep....surely thats a good thing?
Mum: Nope, its definately giving off poisonous fumes from the foam
Me: Ok I'll get rid of it now for you...
Mum: How?
Me: Well I'll just drag the HUGE sofa out of the small room out into the hallway out into the garage and cut it up and take it to the tip
Mum: Thanks Alan, you're a great Lad!

.....Exit Mum

Meanwhile, Alan starts trying to remove the Monstrous structure using techniques he learned on "Moving Homes", Finally he manages to get it into the garage and commences dissection.

Alan: Right! Let me see what tools I need....One saw,check! One hacksaw, check! One hammer,check! (audience chuckles) Noises off: sawing, bashing, stamping, cutting, tearing, ripping, swearing...)
Jesus Christ Mum, they don't make 'em like they used to!Noises off: sawing, bashing, stamping, cutting, tearing, ripping, screaming....)
Mum: Yep, you wouldn't find one built like that at IKEA! (audience chuckles)

Camera Fade, on screen "3 hours Later......."

Alan: Mum!! I'm nearly through! I just need to cut through the springs, wire mesh, fabric and wood and then we'll be able to get it in the boot of the car.....
Mum: Thanks Alan, you're a great Lad!

Camera Fade, on screen "1 Hour Later......."
Alan: Mum, It's no good you're going to have to go down the road and buy some heavy duty wire cutters
(audience laughs)
Mum: Ok Alan, you know best.....
Camera Fade, on screen "1 Hour Later......."
Alan: (sweating profusely)Phew! That's it Mum, I've cut through, the sofa is now in two pieces and can fit in the car!
Mum: Jeez , that took ages, If i'd known it was going to be this much work, I'd have called the council to do it and saved myself £13 pounds on a pair of wire cutters!!!
Alan: Ohhhhhh Muuuuummm!!!!!!!

End Credits Roll, Audience in Hysterics. End

It's time to get serious!

2006-10-04T10:41:00.000+01:00

For too many years now I've been at the cutting edge of tasteless humour, albeit it in a random, amateurish sort of way. I've been the party bloke always ready to make you laugh at the drop of a hat. In exchange for what? Nothing!

I've got drunk, taken drugs, flown around the world having a laugh,slept with dozens of women, (honest) watched porn, borrowed money, lied,cheated and laughed my way into despair all for what? Nothing!

I read recently that the English have an inability to be serious, and I for one concur. It's not as if I even make money out of humour.

In fact I never make any money. Even when I do, I have none, I waste it all on "havin a laugh". I have no home to call my own, no car to drive around, I have possessions in every corner of the globe. I even have an ex-wife.

I can never decide what to do, my mind is always spinning in a thousand different directions. i fly around the world in a desperate escape from myself and everything I am that I do not want to be.

I can't hold down a job, I can't maintain normal friendships, I'm absolutely terrible at relationships. I come from a broken home, my school results were disastrous, people like me for a moment then dislike me for a lifetime.

I try to do good things but inevitably give up and move on to something new and exciting . I have fresh starts that all the time, each time hoping that this time will be better, but it's not.

I want to save humanity, but I also want to save myself, I want to be Mother Teresa but I also want to be The sex pistols. I want to preach about the curse of alcohol but I want to get drunk, I want to teach children about the dangers of drugs but I also want to get off my head...

I talk about letting go of fear, yet I am the most afraid, I despise people who are angry yet I am a Nuclear Bomb about to explode....

I repress all emotions and talk about openness. I don't want a relationship and children, but its because I don't know how to relate to people emotionally.

I want to be an Monk sitting on a hilltop but I also want a mansion,money and sports cars.

I want to be understood but I exclude everyone from my life.

I want to be loved but I hate everybody.

I am a fake. I am not true to myself or anyone else..............

At least I have one thing left. A sense of humour.
With a CV like mine, I need one!!

Life is Funny, I won't forget that.

Alan - Oct 2006

Why is Life so Complicated?

2006-09-29T17:18:00.002+01:00

Well, you might add; Alan, your life is always complicated and as you make it as such then you deserve it... well thanks but you can stick your opinions, because I know whats best for me.!..Or do I?

A you can see from my photo here titled "On reflection.." I have a big problem in life (again)... On the one hand I WANT to finish my book which explains life at its very core and will help us all to live a beautiful peaceful integrated life, and on the other hand, I want to go shopping, smoke,drink, sleep around with women, and generally do what's bad for me, and everyone else. But if I finish and publish the book I will have to live by the rules that I have set up for myself, and this contradicts my other self who wants the book to be successful which will bring me fame, untold riches and fast women,fast cars and big mansions. All the things that I am writing about that are bad for the world...So as you can see I seem to have a slight problem!!So I posed the question to the ever trusty google oracle to see what answers it came up with and to be perfectly honest wasn't entirely satisfied with the answer so I decided to go outside the square and think for myself and I think I may have the answer...

Human Cloning
(try and follow here because its a little complicated, but Its basically a little like a recipe)

Ingredients : 1 man or woman + 1 cloning device (easy so far)

Method:
Turn on cloning machine and extract 2 personality types : 1 good 1 bad
Now, if you set your machine properly you should have the 2 personality types residing in 2 different bodies.
Send each one of your 2 new bodies off into the world. If you have followed the recipe carefully enough the following should happen.

a: The "good" you will go out into the world hugging trees and generally being nice to everyone.
b: The "Bad" you will go out into the world and live a terrible life and being generally nasty to everyone
c: The "Good" you will take offence to the "bad" you and summarily despatch him (or her) from this planet by any means necessary.
d: This leaves only the "good" you in the world.
e: If everyone has followed the recipe and the method carefully enough we will soon have a world filled only with "good" non violent people who live in peace and harmony together .

So you see......

Life IS easy!

What was I worrying about............?

I'm Seriously thinking of Changing my Name!

2006-09-26T11:51:00.000+01:00

Enough Said!

Here's the ting....

2006-09-26T11:01:00.000+01:00

You start a blog,it's going very well, then you leave the country can't get access to the interweb, so it falls behind, and noone knows where you are, then you get access to the interweb again....where do you begin?

Here I guess! Since I last shared my experiences with you, I have been on the sunny (sometimes) west coast of Ireland cooking up a storm (not with the food, the locals). You see I have a great propensity for pissing people off, God knows how I do it , but it seems to be an exceptional talent of mine.

SO it started off well, you know? Everyone likes the new guy, hey he's pretty funny, we like him, until I realised that not only did I not like the job, (ccoking up raw meat is not my idea of fun,being veggo and all) I actually hated the people...not just some of them, all of them. The Irish and the Polish! Although living right next to the Ocean made it all tolerable

Not an actual view from my house

Now I promised myself this was not going to be a rant n rave about 250,000 polish in Ireland, none of whom speak much English, are supremely arrogant and only interested in earning money as fast as they can, and don't give a shit about their jobs, are ultimately rude in everything they do and generally quite unpleasant fellows, so I won't.

I'll pick on the Irish instead,whose use of the English language is somewhat stifled by their constant use of the expressions "For foooks sake!", "I'm Grand" , "How's your Mickey Boyo?" and "How are you keeping?"as used by ex-boss Bernard seen here before the start of his shift drove me craaazzzy.

Discalimer: I am in no way trying to infer that the Irish are complete drunks whose only raison d'etre was to get "blocked" (drunk) every minute of the day and are in no way cheats, gypo's or scoundrels and that the famedwas completely unjustified as they are indeed fine fellows even though I left with them owing me 3000 euros........ to be continued

One good thing that came out of Ireland
Little Lucie (from the czech republic)
xx

Children Go Upstairs in Big Flower and Other Stories

2006-07-20T21:04:00.000+01:00

My House is the pink one!

Thats right folks I'm back with a vengeance and I'm raring to go with great tales of hilarity to tickle you with...

But I'm not sure where to start, you see i'm thinking about turning my Irish trip into a book and I'd rather charge ye all for reading it.

All I'll say for now is its PrettyDamnFunny over here, even when its not.

Ireland's Driving me crazy

2006-05-17T11:28:00.000+01:00

Well... I asked for it..Here I am stuck in the small fishing village of Liscannor,Co Clare and guess what? there is no internet access anywhere around here! No Wireless, no nothing! Bloody Guinness drinking Bastards! Lots of pubs and Irish music and cows.

I have had to hitch 15kms to the nearest town with more than 3 sheep to post this blog, so I may have to resort to audioblogging...cos if you think I'm going 15kms every time I want to post a blog you've got another thing coming!

As usual, nothing seems to be working out the way I thought it would! But one strange thing is that all the workers here seem to be from......you guessed it! POLAND

What the**** ! Where are all the Irish? In fact I was given a lift today by a polish guy who works in the village, and I am sharing a house with 3 people from the Czech Republic! and the village is so small the house address is...Bayview, Liscannor,Co Clare, Ireland!! Bayview!!

So we'll see how it goes! but don't expect to hear from me anytime soon!

This is Poncho signing off, maybe never to be heard of again!

to be sure,to be sure,to be sure

2006-05-12T14:10:00.000+01:00

err... the title only works if you put on an Irish accent! Got it? Good!

Now far be it for me to say that the Irish are a thick bunch! In fact I am waiting to hear back from a prospective employer about a job opportunity on the west coast of Ireland for the summer, so I better watch what I say here.

Anyway, as I was searching for flights to Ireland with my favourite cattle transporter, I noticed that they were doing free flights to Dublin. Wow this is great I thought until I checked the Availability dates vs the Blackout period.

Fumeur ou Non Fumeur Monsieur?

2006-05-09T10:21:00.000+01:00

Non Fumeur! that's what I expect to say to the waiter when asked for smoking or non smoking.

That's Right! I, Alan Orr, today, that is, the 9th may 2006 have quit smoking for good. What caused this you may ask? Well.... It wasn't so I don't die a horrible death from lung cancer. It wasn't so I don't harm my unborn child....It wasn't to protect others from breathing my smoke and it sure wasn't to save money.....

What was it?

A really cute girl who works behind the bar at my friend's place said ...." err yuk its so disgusting I hope you're not going to sit and smoke there all night. I hate it"

So there you have it, shallow as ever, I caved in, so I can tell her next week," Oh smoking that's so disgusting..I know exactly what you mean....I hate it tooooo"

In celebration I shall have a T-Shirt Printed, with words which I think sum up my whole ethos in life.

You're playing with Fire Mr Edwards...

2006-05-08T16:09:00.000+01:00

What the ****, Here I am checking through my blog to make sure all my spellings are correct for you my lovely readers, when all of a sudden I come up against this comment.....

Scott A. Edwards said...

Dear friends, here is a really cool site that gives you a lot of FREE information that you can really use. Get FREE Daily and Weekly Foreign Exchange Outlook, Rates, Trends and Currency Shifts. Click here: FOREX

You Son of A bitch! How dare you advertise on my Blog! and I sent him a nice email telling him as such to saedwards@hotmail.com

I couldn't find a full picture of him so I had an artists impression made up at great expense to myself so you can be on the lookout for him lurking in your comments!

Update: He's apologised....Just as well...

The last great game of the Empire?

2006-05-08T13:31:00.000+01:00

Warney! Warney! Warney! they all shouted at the tops of their voices at the Hampshire v Middlesex Cricket match I was visiting with me old dad yesterday.

And even though I was supposed to be supporting The "Middle" "sex sex sex" as one unfunny supporter kept crying out, egged on by a large chested drunk woman not 10 feet from him, I could not help but be carried away by the prowess of this man, Shane Warne, one of the worlds leading Spin bowlers.

Now whoever you believe in the debate of who invented the game., one cannot deny the fact that it has all the hallmarks that are quintessentially English. Sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct.

Here are some facts you may not know. When you are bowling, the umpire will hold your sweater and cap for you, and Tea is served at "tea time" ( i.e half time)...During the match, I saw several Hampshire players getting Ice Creams (with flakes) for their team mates who were waiting to go into bat.

How very bloody civilized.

But to my dismay our beautiful empire is crumbling and we have given away most of our beautiful colonies to un-deservers. ( erm, the people who live there) and what do we have left? Cricket, thats what! All our colonies play cricket, think Pakistan, India,Australia, France(oh thats not one) West Indies...etc. All young people of these outposts dream of playing for their country one day, and sharing tea at tea time and being just so damn nice to each other on the field of play, which is why I think cricket can only be an English Invention.

While other victorian landmarks around us are crumbling. The cricket pitch is always beautifully manicured, even in times of drought.

Although, all this being nice to each other and being Gentlemen must get a tad tedious. Which is why I was glad to see a great bowler like Warney (from the outpost of Brittalia) catching up on a bit of after match horseplay with some eager fans published in our great paper of the empire "The News Of the World"

Shane Warne, Man of the Empire, I salute you.

Is French Polishing back in fashion?

2006-05-05T17:34:00.000+01:00

Ok, so here I am, looking through the job board in TNT magazine online, and I come across a lot of people looking for the same kind of work. Pretty normal so far you say, but as I looked closer I noticed that they were all experienced polishers.

Could this be, I thought, so many experienced polishers out of work?

And then I realised that this could easily be explained because most people these days do not have any kind of nice furniture that needs French polishing.

Ah that's it! Most people these days buy cheap crap from IKEA and a qualified French polisher worth their salt would not even look at it, let alone polish it. that's why they're all looking for work.
I say that people should buy more quality furniture and give these people a job!

Would you date a serial killer?

2006-05-02T22:31:00.000+01:00

No, neither would I,but that's what some of these beauties look like, so can someone tell me what the fuck I'm doing logging into www.match.com to see who's viewed my profile every day? Look, I know I said I was going to delete my profile but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Its all that, what if I really do find love? Thoughts going through my aging brain. And the, "Hey I'm pretty good looking, I'm funny and over 70 people have checked out my profile already, this could be a Good Thing. Right?

Wrong, the other Alan screamed out, this is research for humour you idiot, so you better get with the plan and started taking the piss out these women again, no-one's here to ready wishy washy shit about you trying to find love. They want to laugh, you promised them. So I have succumbed and laugh ye will for one more time , as I attempt to destroy what little self esteem they have left!

I have some questions regarding what people think they are playing at when they decide to look for love online. For example, if you're actually quite fat, and you provide a photograph, it seems pretty stupid to lie about your body type!

Looking for a man to bring you out of your shell? I think someone already did that when you beached love.Curvy, I think Not!

Which leads me to my next question about presentation,which involves describing your best features. Now although I agree that this is purely subjective. There are some things which stand out more than others to the casual observer. Things that you should have noticed about yourself. Take for example this next girl who is completely mistaken in thinking that her best feature is her lips. Ps. What were you thinking about taking that photo in a toilet?

There are of course people who are just plain stupid. Like who would put a picture of themselves on the phone as their main photo? Get off the phone you stupid bitch I hate you already!!

and you who chose to put a picture of yourself doing the washing!!!
Well, actually at least that proves you do washing, unlike my estranged wife who is oblivious to the need to wash anything!
Then of course there are complete no-nos like the classic one of putting a photo up of yourself with a picture of your ex (or current boyfriend !)

Or of course there are the pure
contradictions out there!
Make your mind up love!
How is someone going to let their hair down if you don't like Long Hair. You're just plain dumb. Go away. I hate you!

Or the pseudo religious types!!

Its a fact that I could go on exploring the mysteries of Womanhood for ever but that would bore you and me stupid. These women are so picky! But I blame these dating sites for giving these women too many options, they are just cutting out too many nice guys like me.... For example I am being cut out of searches by cuter girls because they are looking for men under 35!

That's just not fair, I'm better than those 35yr olds! I can prove it if only they'd let me! They specify what I should have done at school, my hair, my job,my religion.

Its no surprise then that I'm getting all the mingers
contacting me! You see I just don't look like the catch of a lifetime on Paper, but if only the cute ones would meet me, they'd see! Even when I saw a real cutie looking for a bald guy, she wanted me to be a Fucking TV Technician or cameraman! These People are Fucked!

So I have decided to go back to the old fashioned way of doing things. I'm going to the pub, I'm going to get plastered. Then I'm going to go over to the cutest girl and buy her a drink and see if she wants "coffee" afterwards.

Well, what are you shaking your head at? Its worked for the last 20 years it can work for another 20.

The search is over, online dating is dead, its back to the pub for me. If not there's still the serial killer who emailed me recently! Good Luck to all the other men out there, you'll need it!

The end.

And now the good news.....

2006-04-29T11:13:00.000+01:00

Firstly I was very pleased to have received a letter this morning from the Jobcentre informing me that I had been accepted to receive the dole money of £54.20 per week which at my current estimates puts their indebtedness to me at £325.20.. Excellent! So I rushed down to an ATM to retrieve some of their cash...Alas it had not gone in, but to no avail, I know its on the way!

Felt pretty good about this and bought a copy of the Big Issue from a homeless man, whilst planning the purchase of a new laptop.

Secondly as I was looking through the Google Machine I discovered that "mynameisponcho" (why I came up with the name I have no Idea, as my name is Alan not Poncho) is UNIQUE. That means one of a kind. Which means that I rule. (a little)

So given that www.alanorr.com has already been taken by this meathead kick boxer who happens to be my namesake....andas i dont fancy trying to kick his ass at the moment , I guess I'll have to stand alone as mynameisponcho or my name isn't poncho!
So when I have the government cash I shall splash out on a new Domain name for myself,this blog address just aint rulin enough for my liking!

Thanks Again Tony, I don't know what I would have done without New Labour and the generosity you have afforded me, a humble citizen of the United Kingdom.

Attention Australian Government, please read the above. It shows that Tony Blair cares about me and you don't, I don't need you anyway John, you miserable bastard.

Help Me I've Been Brainwashed!

2006-04-28T10:34:00.000+01:00

Call me Paranoid, but I think George Bush/CIA is disemenating mind altering stuff through the airwaves.
Let me explain. As you'll remember, last week I was in Toulouse, with my friend joel. As we were driving in the car he inexplicably started to sing "I want to live in america , I want to live in america, life is so ..... etc "whats that?" I asked"I don't know, izz a musical or sumsing..." he replied. "Oh" and carried on....
then very soon, quietly at first, then louder in my mind.....I want to live in america, I want to live in america, I want to Live in America, I want to live in America!!!!

Please George make it stop! If i'm not humming it, I'm whistling it, or else I'm tapping out the rhythm on the table....I cant stop.. its been over a week now, I'll do anyhing george, I'll come to your country, I'll embrace your values, I'll eat your food, I'll drive a big car, I'll become a Conservative Christian Fundamentalist like you, I'll even sleep with your daughter, anything you want, just make it STOP!!!

Heres an excerpt from the brainwashing tool used from West Side Story. I hope you start singing it as well. God be with you

I like to be in America!

O.K. by me in America!

Ev'rything free in America

For a small fee in America!

Crossing the Boundaries of Bad Taste

2006-04-27T22:52:00.000+01:00

As any of you who have read my blog will know, I am a master of bad taste and what I deem to be humour,some do not. But I think I've crossed the line with this one! Now blogging as I see it allows me to write whatever I want about any subject, without any recourse, and I'm always eager to see what other people have written, us being a "global community" and all that. So to set the scene, I was checking other people out who had listed their interests as humour (40 on total). Needless to say I was unimpressed by what people have deemed as "humour" and subsequently felt superior in an instant.

Example1: I went the a LAN birthday party. It was fun. I'm hooked up to cable-type internet. W00t. I downloaded windows updates. and some other stuff. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I got Gmail. ncwhighcommand@gmail.com So, good!

Yeah right you're so funny ( actually this could be a blog from another "computertype" friend of mine!)

Example2: I can see from my brother-in-law's livejournal that he now considers himself The Muffin Man. I made homemade macaroni and cheddar earlier, woohoo. I guess that if he's "The Muffin Man", then you can just call me "Yankee Doodle".

And you're real funny too...

But then I came across a blog marked with interests as "humour" that made me look, especially as it was by someone else called alan,Even though he lists his age as 76.
So Ok I thought, lets give the old bugger a go shall we? http://poynter.blogspot.com/
but was somewhat surprised by the title "Diary of a Disease". subtitled "The writer wants to record the progress of his Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) which is incurable and fatal." Ho ho! pretty witty start I thought and perused further ....

Monday June 21st, 2004 "have overlooked writing my diary. Suffice to say that I'm now fairly comfortable with the C-PAP machine. Sometimes I wake up, aware that the mask is leaking air, in which case it's relatively simple to adjust it."

Thursday, June 24, 2004 "Spent a tedious day yesterday at the local hospital having fluid drained from my right pleural cavity. It began at 7:30am when I was admitted as an out-patient. Later I had a blood test, and then a CaT scan"

erm hang on whats funny about this I thought to myself, maybe the humour is above me. But hang on just becaus ehe listed his interests as "humour" maybe this isn't supposed to be funny.

Well I'm no medical expert, but judging from the date of the last post (24/6/04), I do concur that Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease is indeed,fatal.

Discalimer: I recognise that this may offend some sensitive people, but I myself will die one day and I don't care if you laugh when I do.

Where in the World?

2006-04-25T12:40:00.002+01:00

Shit on your shoes, Beggars with humourous signs, Massage therapists smoking pipes whilst working, Cabin crew who've had a sex change. Where else could I be! Of course I'm talking about La Belle France, Toulouse to be exact.

The French : A statistical Approach

One thing you've got to remember about the french is, well, they're French and as such can be judged rather simply as either Superior ( Greater / Bigger) or Inferior (Worse / Smaller)

Attitude: Superior
Style: Superior
Size of Womens Breasts: Superior
Size of their Dogs: Inferior
Food and Wine: Superior
Driving Standard: Inferior
Size of Womens Asses: Inferior
Size of Dog Shit on path: Superior
Volume of Shit Talked: Superior
Volume of Food Consumed: Superior
No of Smokers: Superior
Size of Womens Breasts: Superior

Well by now you have a pretty good idea of the French, so I'll begin this tale. After forcing my aging father to get up at 4am, and drive 1 hour to Gatwick so that I could get a cheap flight, I arrived thoroughly refreshed and ready for my little Holiday to see my friend Joel, an erstwhile Massage Therapist and all round good guy.

He met me at the airport and drove me straight to the restaurant he has started offering chair Massage in. "Wow, this is impressive" I said. "How many clients do you normally get a day?" "ooh you know halan,iss not so good ere maybes one or none, i'depens. Hopefullee we make sumsing to pay ze parking (5 euros) " he casually replied.
"Oh thats not so good" I said, secretely quite happy that someone else was finding the massage business as difficult to crack as I was. And with that he sat down on his 1000 euro Massage chair and pulled out a pipe, which he proceeded to light!

What the fuck?!"Aren't we in a restaurant?" I said. " Oh iss ok halan, ziss is a smoking hairea and I stop zee cigarets so I smoke pipe" he replied, puffing strongly on the pipe.
"Yes but even so, a pipe is disgusting and you are a Masseur, shouldn't you at least look healthy?" Why?" he said, "zees is a restaurant not a clinic and zees is La france!" clearly unaware of the look of horror I was giving him.

Oh Well, We'll never know if it was the pipe or not, but nonetheless in the 2 Afternoons I was there he made 12 Euros (1 Massage) and the client was from Iceland!
Sales:12 euros Carpark:10 euros: Net Profit: 2 Euros Summary: Give up Massage. If the public don't care about feeling good why should we give a toss! Oh,actually he made a loss because he bought me a coffee!!

FACTS ABOUT THE FRENCH

1. The french Name for Kettle is Bouillor, not Boulloir as my friend's Mother has believed for 78 years.
2. Most French People do not own a Bouillor as they do not drink tea, instead they boil water in a pan.

The next morning after a late night I arrived downstairs around 11 to find a bowl (presumably for cereal) "ah non zats for your tea!" Erm.. right! Ok so after half a Baguette and 3 Litres of Twinings, I was pretty stuffed, and retired to the Jardin for a quick cigarette, only to be called in to the table 15 minutes later for Lunch!
You know these French are pretty strict about eating lunch! So either don't get up late or if you do, don't have breakfast.

In the evening, my friendl and I went to visit friend Vincent, whom I haven't seen since 2004, to be given a warm welcome and given pastis ( not pasty's), the french aniseed drink. Even for a seasoned drinker like myself I couldn't force down more than 2 and had to make excuses so we could go and I could have Beer to cool my throat, and to be introduced to 5 cheese pasta at dinner. Now, as someone who likes a lot of cheese, even I was overwhelmed by the amount of five cheese sauce with my tagliatelle, topped with a crispy cheese crepe and served with parmesan!!! Man it's heaven, although deadly for the arteries.

Saturday brought us sunshine and a chance to observe the local wildlife out in glorious Toulouse, especially the small dogs who were so small they would put Paris Hilton's smalldog to shame! Except the Shit! The thing is, why let your dog Shit on the pavement? I do not wish to kick this shit anymore, I have had enough! Is there no French pooperscooper? But on the other hand, the French Homeless beggars have humour Saw a sign saying: "Thank you, the money you give us will help buy caviar, a holiday in the caribbean and a rolls royce." Ok quite funny, so attempted photograph but they requested money: gave swift : fuck off: hence no photograph

FACTS ABOUT THE FRENCH
Over 92.5% of all French girls breasts are impressive.

The next 2 days were uneventful, more cheese, more alcohol,more late breakfasts/early Lunches and a flight back to the UK on Monday, where Easyjet had a steward(ess?) who most definately . had had the "op". (Of course yer name is Helen,Brian!) Anyway, A quick call to the old man and I was dutifully picked up at 10pm and was tucked up in bed by 12am dreaming of cheese and French Girls...
Ahh La France, Je t' Adore!

Highlights:

A. Cute French Girls with large breasts
B. Anything aux Cinq Fromages

Lowlights: Coming back to England

OnlineDatingUpdate: 1 Email received, but cannot read due to being too tight to sign up with the necessary cash.
DoleMoneyUpdate: No cash received as yet.

I am the Monster Attracter!

2006-04-14T18:28:00.000+01:00

Look When I said I was interested in online dating I was kind of not serious so stop sending me messages. You are not worthy.

Well I say that now, but as a separated 37 yr old man now living with his mum, with no job, no car and no cash, I thought maybe I'd have to lower my sights a little.....but not this much, monster of the deep
Copy of Message sent to me with photo

"Just wanted to tell you you look Yummy.Shame your not closer to me.You could give a massage anytime. "

Hope your Lucky in love.

Angela

This shit stops right here!

So I thought to myself, what am I doing wrong in this online dating? maybe its my choice of photo, maybe my profile doesn't quite fit the bill, so I checked out the competition on datingreunited.co.uk and having looked at the general standard on there I still reckon that online dating is for sad, fat wierd geeky people and not being one of them, I resign!

Who's my Competition?

RichKW2000 "Looking for somebody interesting, with a great sense of humour with whom I can enjoy any or all of the above and introduce me to new things such as sky diving and wrestling with wolves.As you can see from the photos I don' take myself too seriously"
No Kidding Funny Boy!

Addendum:
As I logged in sadly to delete my profile and say farewell to online dating forever, a little message popped which said Sexy Chick 69 wants to chat with you....accept?
HO HO I thought this could be it, how funny's that? Just as I'm about to delete my profile, maybe I'm about to meet the girl of my dreams, so I excitedly checked her profile and picture
before accepting the chat.

Alas twas not to be......

sexychick69
Surely theres something in the Trades Description Act about false advertising?

Online Dating? I'll Give anything a go once!

2006-04-13T00:16:00.000+01:00

LOOKIN for LOVE BABY?
After a long chat with me mate today, we came to the conclusion that online dating must be a good thing. For example you get to look at people who the computer thinks are exact matches for you, and you can view who's been checking you out.

Its all pretty good stuff, its sort of like leering at women in the pub, without being spotted, and who knows, it could all end up with a wonderful romance. In a previous post (I listed my profile but It wasn't too polished! Problem is though, if you're a fat old slob (M or F) ,who's going to pick you. Well, after some discussion today it became apparent that there are people out there who have fetishes for certain types of people ( ie "chubby chasers") so I guess there is somebody for everyone which pleased me.

But wait a minute this means I can choose any girl from any race from any country. Wow! I don't have to marry another aussie or English Girl! Hoorah for the internet, hoorah for sites like www.islamicfaces.com , or the great www.ArabLounge.com. Man, the possibilities are endless!

I just have to decide on a dating site, take a nice soft focus photo , come up with a great profile, which doesn't reflect
A. My true personality B. My ever bulging waistline ( I blame British Food)

So I got to looking at other peoples profiles and came up with a kind of reasonable, all round nice, vegetarian, clean living kind of profile, posted it on a nice english dating website, friendsreuniteddating and checked again later today to see if anyone had looked me up.

To my horror they had.

There she was staring at me in all her monstrous glory.... "redcorvette71"
Quick, I need to delete my profile. This was not working out the way I planned... Hey But don't be too hasty alan, after all, I don't actually plan to contact any of these beauties ......But if some gorgeous brunette "sends me a wink", I'll sure as hell not ignore it!

Profile of the Day

Language 1: English
Fluency: Fluent
Language 2: Urdu
Fluency: Fluent
Language 3: Punjabi
Fluency: Minimal
Registered: 21/12/05
My Description:
I AM LOOKING THE WOMAN WHO SHOULD BE 21ST CENTUARY
What I am looking for:
A WOMAN SHE COULD ENJOY LIFE

He's got to be kidding, Right?
Mate, First of all you should start enjoying yourself a bit more and second I think you were maybe just overselling yourself a wee bit on the "Language1: English, Fluent"

What has the online dating game become when you've got jokers like this just not taking it seriously enough?

Where's my £54? Show me the money!

2006-04-12T09:52:00.000+01:00

Come on! Its been 3 weeks since I made "First Contact" with my local jobcentre and they're still putting me through the ringer!

Forms More Forms , 2 Telephone Interviews, 2 Personal Interviews, Whats going on ?

They haven't even offered to find me a job yet! But this time I'm more determined than ever to get some cash, although It seems that its not so easy being a single white male in the UK if you want to claim the dole. ( Maybe I should convert to Islam)
Sorry, that is a racist and bitter statement, inferring that if you have a beard and a slightly dodgy accent, that you will be treated more leniently than someone with a slightly posh accent from Marlow on Thames, and to clear it up I am posting a couple of photos I took whilst up at the local job centre of typical job seekers up to sign on for their dole money.

So. Today I have to go to my "careers advice" interview where my good friend justin assures me that they will be giving me the following

1 Basic English Lessons
2 The regulations regarding the use of firearms in interviews
3 Advice on showering before Interviews
4 Advised not to wear a shell suit in Interview

Ok, I understand but I don't want a job cleaning toilets, or working in Sainsbury's, I just want what I'm entitled to.

£54 Per Week . Every week, in my Account.

So Jobcentre plus I'm going to say it one more time

Show me the Money!

Discaimer: This is Humour!